Perfectionism in Motherhood

[mother and daughter baking]

What is Perfectionism Really About?

Perfectionism is a drive that pushes individuals to believe that if they can do everything right, everything will be okay. It's the idea that if we control all the details—whether it’s our parenting, work, or personal life—everything will fall into place and we’ll feel safe. At its core, perfectionism is a way of coping with fear, seeking control in a world that often feels unpredictable or overwhelming. The belief is simple: if we can get it all right, we can prevent negative outcomes, safeguard our children’s futures, or ensure success.

Here’s the catch: perfectionism is rarely about achieving actual perfection. It’s about the illusion of control. It offers us a sense of safety, a feeling that if we do things "right," we’ll avoid chaos, discomfort, or failure. It’s that underlying fear of "what happens if I don’t get it perfect?" that fuels the cycle.

Interestingly, perfectionism often doesn’t begin in motherhood. It’s a tendency that starts much earlier in life—perhaps as a child trying to meet the high expectations of parents or teachers. It may have evolved as a way of coping with hardship, whether it was in the form of academic pressure or societal messages about success. In motherhood, these perfectionist tendencies are often reignited, as we feel the weight of shaping our children's futures and trying to control the environment around us. However, perfectionism rarely brings the safety or control we desire. Instead, it creates stress, guilt, and a sense of never being "enough."

How Can I Manage My Perfectionist Tendencies in Motherhood?

The first step in managing perfectionism is to understand your fears. What are you afraid will happen if you’re not perfect? This is a powerful question to reflect on, as many of our fears are not rooted in reality—they’re interpretations of past experiences or old stories we’ve been telling ourselves.

For example, some mothers may fear that if they don’t “get it right,” their child won’t succeed in life or will face hardship. This fear often stems from experiences they had growing up, like struggling with school, not meeting parental expectations, or feeling unsupported. The desire to shield our children from these struggles is noble, but it can also lead to unrealistic expectations. As children’s education systems become more competitive, and career paths seem increasingly difficult to navigate, the pressure on parents to control outcomes grows. We often feel that if we don’t do everything perfectly, we risk failing our children in ways that might affect their future success.

Many of our fears are tied to an old narrative about ourselves or the world. They are stories we’ve carried for years, and they don’t always reflect the reality of the present moment. We can challenge these fears and recognize that our children are far more resilient than we often give them credit for and they are capable of overcoming challenges just like we have—even when we’re imperfect.

So, how can we manage these fears? Here are a few practical steps:

1. Recognize the Unrealistic Nature of Your Fears: Ask yourself, "What am I truly afraid of happening if things aren’t perfect?" Challenge the validity of these fears. Are they rooted in reality, or are they based on past experiences or societal pressures? Reflecting on this can help you separate fact from fiction.

2. Delegate Parenting Duties: If you’re overwhelmed by the pressure to do it all, consider sharing the load. Let your partner or a trusted family member take on responsibilities. You don’t have to do everything yourself to be a good mother.

3. Create Compassion for Yourself: Perfectionism thrives on self-criticism. When you make a mistake or things don’t go as planned, practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are human, just like everyone else, and it’s okay to make mistakes. In fact, it’s through these imperfections that you teach your children resilience.
   

What Are Your Triggers?

Perfectionism is often reinforced by external influences. There are certain people, social media accounts, or environments that might stimulate the belief that you must be the perfect mother. Perhaps it's a social circle that emphasizes spotless homes, influencers who appear to have it all together, or even well-meaning family members who reinforce the idea of “doing things right.”

Reevaluate the value of these influences in your life. Ask yourself: What do you get out of engaging with these sources? Do they make you feel supported, or do they increase your anxiety and fuel your perfectionist tendencies? If these influences are feeding into the narrative of “perfect motherhood,” it may be time for a break.

You don’t have to completely cut ties, but you can step away for a while. Unfollow groups that promote unrealistic expectations. Create space to reassess and regain perspective.

Think about what kind of positive interactions could support you in letting go of perfectionism. Follow accounts or engage in communities that value authenticity, vulnerability, and real-life parenting.

What Are Your Values as a Mother?

In today’s fast-paced world, we rarely have the time to reflect on our values as mothers. We might assume that values should come naturally, that we should just know what matters to us. Values are not something you’re born with; they are something you discover through quiet, intentional reflection. In motherhood, it’s especially important to spend time exploring what truly matters to you.

When I work with clients, I often hear that above all, they want their children to feel loved. But love—true, deep love—doesn’t come without its challenges. It’s through mistakes, repairs, and growth that love deepens. Perfectionism, on the other hand, often gets in the way of genuine connection and love. It creates distance because it doesn’t leave room for vulnerability or failure.

So, ask yourself: Does your behavior and drive for perfectionism support your values as a mother? Does it create love, connection, or resilience? Or does it create pressure, stress, and fear?

Start small. Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean you have to change everything all at once. Pick one thing—just one thing—to let go of. Maybe it’s letting your child have a little more freedom in their choices, or maybe it’s not having to make every meal from scratch. Enlist others to help you through this process, whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a support group. You don’t have to do it alone.

What Can Happen When We Let Go of Perfectionism?

When we begin to release the pressure of perfectionism, several wonderful things can happen:

1. More Presence in the Moment: You become more present with your loved ones. You stress less about every little detail and start enjoying the moments, big and small.

2. Modeling Resiliency and the Power of Repair: Children learn from what they see. By embracing imperfection and showing how to repair mistakes, you model resilience and the ability to bounce back from challenges.

3. Creating Space for Other Opportunities: Letting go of perfectionism creates more room in your life for other opportunities, people, and experiences. You’ll find that your capacity for joy and connection increases as you free yourself from the burden of perfection.

4. Preparing Our Children for the Reality of Life: Children raised in a home where making mistakes allows for learning and growth, and imperfections are a natural part of living, are better equipped to navigate the challenges of the real world. They understand that being human means being imperfect, and they learn the value of resilience, growth, and self-compassion.
   

In the end, the path to managing perfectionism is about accepting that life—and motherhood—are not meant to be perfect. They are meant to be lived, loved, and learned from. When we let go of the desire to be perfect, we open up space to be more present, more compassionate, and ultimately, more connected to ourselves and our children.