From Noise to Self: How men's identity comes from reflection and curiosity not rule-books

What comes to mind when you close your eyes and imagine a man in the present? What truly comes to mind when you don’t force the image, you don’t narrow the image to what you think it should look like, but simply close your eyes, give the prompt “imagine a man in present times,” and be curious about what you see, think, feel, experience. Try it, and find out…

Now, that you’ve let yourself engage in this exercise. What did you notice? What traits stood out? Were you surprised? Were you pleased by what came up, or did you feel something different?

There is so much discussion in the present about what and who a modern man should be, how he should conduct himself, and what he should value. Some perspectives take the stance that men are men as we’ve always been, and we should dig in harder to uphold the traditional masculine ways that defined us throughout our known existence. Other perspectives note the harm traditional masculinity has caused, not just to those who aren’t men, but to men themselves, and describe a more desirable version that looks suspiciously similar to women. The perspective I hold to be true is that neither are absolutely “right.” We know from research, health reports, and lived experience that rigid adherence to traditional masculinity does, in fact, cause harm in many ways - in health, in relationships, in politics, etc.

One point that isn’t being discussed enough is how some attempts to change men, to steer them away from traditional masculinity, is also rigid, just in a different direction. Setting an expectation that anyone of any gender or biological sex should represent or subscribe to a generalized checklist of traits is not only rigid, it’s limiting. Men who identify as men are such simply because they are. The same goes for women. I’m not qualified to speak on the experience of non-binary or trans humans, but I’ll wager their identities don’t fit into neat boxes, therefore, they break out of said box.

What’s missing in mainstream conversations around modern men's identity is allowing men to be who they are: flawed, still growing, sometimes traditional, other times not, loving, relational, emotional, and so on. In order to truly grow and to truly connect with who they are at their core, one must first be curious about what’s already present. Only then can we discern what feels genuine in contrast to what feels performative. The former refers to a deep meaningful connection with self, which informs and allows for connections beyond self. The latter is prescriptive and limiting, leading to attempts to fit in with a generalized identity in lieu of understanding.

This curiosity and understanding is increasingly difficult when there is so much noise in our lives. Demands from work, family responsibilities, social media, news media, and even podcasts are more often than not filling space with noise, content, or whatever you choose to call it. Need more capacity? Here are five podcasts, Instagram reels, or tic toc videos explaining the 10 ways to achieve your goals. Wondering how to be the best parent for your child or partner for your spouse? Well, that largely depends on what you’ve clicked on or asked AI about over time. This advice doesn’t come from list-cycles or algorithms. One problem with advice in general, is that it’s subjective to the giver more than it is helpful to the receiver.

The noise is challenging to navigate at times, and many people are feeling exhausted by it. Studies have shown that, on average, people report feeling more stress, more depressed or anxious, and less happy after scrolling through social media than before they opened the app. If you’ve read Michael Easter’s book, The Comfort Crisis, you’ve heard about plenty of research showing that our brains are fatigued from constant stimulation. Our lives are largely sedentary compared to previous human eras, and our entertainment/distraction can now follow us everywhere we go, even to the toilet.

To truly have the space for self-reflection, one needs good old fashioned peace and quiet. There is one place where this exists in perpetuity, Nature. To be clear nature is not a destination or museum display behind protected glass, it’s all around us, it is us, we are a part of it. Nature is the park down the street, the woods in your backyard, the birds nest you hear from your deck, or even the sound of rain just outside your walls. We don’t have to travel to a resort to reconnect with our original and natural habitat. We simply have to slow down enough to recognize it when we’re in it. Coming from a fast moving, noisy daily experience may cloud our lenses for such recognition. Sometimes, we need guidance or just an invitation.

I invite groups of men to join me in nature each year for community, exploration, and nervous system resetting. It sounds so simple, yet many of us don’t do this without being prompted. We are living in a myth that we don’t have time. Well, we make time. None of us is a machine (not yet, anyway), therefore, none of us can be expected to perform as such. If you’re interested in protected time to disconnect the noise while reconnecting with nature, self, and others, perhaps you’d like to join us. You can get more information on these retreats here, and more information on reconnecting with nature in general here. In the meantime, consider doing yourself a favor, by walking way from the screen you’re on, step outside, take a deep breath of fresh air, and gaze at a tree, shrub, grass, or sky for five minutes before moving into your next task.